I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me.
My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me."
-"Don't Be Fooled by Me," Charles C. Finn
Isn't that something all of us have experienced at some point in our lives? Doesn't it always stem from the desire to shield ourselves from the pain of knowing we are not perfect and can't please everybody?
Of course, some of us do eventually overcome this fear, but like it or not, we all use different personas when we're with different people. It's not so much to protect ourselves as it is human nature. On the other hand, some of us struggle this all our lives. You? You run from it.
You run from it despite having friends who are always there for you- friends that love you. If they didn't, they wouldn't have stuck around and they wouldn't endure your childish tantrums. If they didn't, they wouldn't stand up for you the way they do. Do you see that? Can't you see how they accept who you are despite your flaws? You're luckier than most, if you ask me.
Open up your brown eyes and take a look at the world around you. Stop being such an escapist and stop pushing away the very people who care about you. Yes, the ones who have been quietly supporting you over the last 3 years. The guys who want nothing but good things for you. The ones who are there to help you if you didn't shut them out all the time.
Think about some of the things you've said before about them. Here, I'm telling you that they may not be perfect, but they shouldn't have to be be. None of us are. Not you, not them, not me.
They are not playthings that you talk to when you feel like it or when you decide you need advice. Here, I urge you to think about that. Don't abandon your friends, especially when they haven't abandoned you or some day, you'll wake up and realise that you have none for they are human beings -- And they will give up believing in you eventually if you keep pushing it like that.
So don't you dare say you're good for nothing because people wouldn't bother if they didn't think something was worthwhile. It is the ugly side of humanity but it makes everything so much clearer. And don't you dare suggest that no one cares about you, because I have seen firsthand that there many who do. They have tried time and time again to reach out to you, but will you take that hand?
Oh, the Irony - Tuesday, Apr. 21, 2009
Summery - Sunday, Jan. 04, 2009
Wan Bakes Too! - Friday, Jan. 02, 2009
Trust - Saturday, Dec. 20, 2008
Catharsis - Sunday, Oct. 26, 2008